If I had a television...

Deedle deedle deedle doodle doodle deedle deedle do ("Fiddler" music),
All day long I'd sit vapidly and watch, if I had a TEL-E-VI-SION!

'Cause that's what I did yesterday at mom's house - holed up in my brother's room, nursing. And flipping. He's got Direct TV - like, 50 jillion channels.

I discovered 3 black-friendly television networks, which I was basically glued to. I don't know what my fascination is with black people. I think I have an "inner sista."

I saw a documentary about the "Golden Scissors" show, which showcases black hair. I watched a woman belting out a song about how she was the Ghetto Queen, and she deserved to be treated right because she was a WOMAN.

But the greatest thing I saw was called "Mo'nique's F.A.T. Chance." F.A.T. standing for "fabulous and thick." It's basically a BBW beauty pageant. Firstly, I fell in love with this Mo'nique lady. She was so big and black and REAL. I loved all these ladies celebrating their size, and I could see why men are attracted to them. Why it's okay for other women to be large (but not me) is a mystery I've yet to solve.

I saw a show about a guy who had no legs. I saw a show about the Crusades. I saw a show about tattoos. I saw witty commercials.

I'm telling you, if I owned a TV, I'd never leave my house.