Thursday, October 20, 2005
There's a blog I read pretty regularly written by a certain girl in Manhattan. She is married to a man from England. She's a good writer, too.
This couple has the happiest life ever.
She met him and fell madly in love (I read all about it). They arranged a U.S. visa for him. Seven months later, they were married. They just celebrated their first anniversary.
I have seen all their pictures online. Her trips to England. Their wedding at city hall. Their apartment (recently re-done by IKEA). Their first Christmas. All their friends. Her recent posts about how she can't wait to spend the rest of her life with him.
I want to puke. I am so jealous.
Yaakov and I have been married almost 7 years now. We have our interesting story. We've had our ups and downs - count on it. But when I think of us, I think of Archie and Edith Bunker. Plus, we have 3 kids. Our life is, well...schleppy.
Then I get mad at myself. How can I compare my holy Jewish marriage to this stupid blog I read online? And another thing, who says that marriage is supposed to be all rainbows and sunshine? I remember once a religious friend of mine talking to her father about why her friend had gotten a divorce. "She just woke up one day and realized she didn't love him." "WHAT?!" her father yelled. "That's a reason not to stay married? You think you don't love somebody?"
The bottom line is, Hashem has His reasons for Yaakov and I. I can either embrace them, or be petulant (insert Edith shriek here).
Love, Maven @ 
5 Comments:
At 10:07 AM,
shy_smiley said…
you're not the only one living a less-than-storybook marriage. I've been married for over 11 years now and though there are moments of happily-ever-after there are endless hours and days and months of tedium. Recently a friend said this about her husband: "He's like a gift. I'm not at all a religious person, but I think if G-d had planned to give me the perfect gift it would be D---."
My reaction was complex. I felt jealous, but then I remembered that at one time I felt that way about DH, too. I felt sad that I no longer feel that intensity of emotion, but then I remembered that I once did. And, like you, I remembered that G-d gives us the gifts we need, not necessarily the gifts we desire. G-d has given me a man who puts up with my moods, respects my abilities, and sticks with me. Few others would do so.
At 11:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
Stifle it, Edith!
haha, j/k. at any rate, if it were good all the time, you'd never appreciate it. it's those moments of good interspersed within the boringness that we live for. and those moments of good also happen to help us forget/forgive the moments that are not so good. but you knew all this anyhow...
At 6:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Maven,
Please don't feel like this! From what I have read, you are such a caring mom and loving person, and you truly are a bas Torah. If your life was "perfect", perhaps you wouldn't be as compassionate to do so many things for other people. But it's not (perfect) and that is okay...You have a husband, blemishes and all, who you love and who loves you, and who has given you children who obviously have made your life even fuller. Enjoy them! (And know that happiness to the outside world is usually just that...to the outside world!)
Shabbat Shalom.
At 8:32 PM,
n/a said…
I did not marry Dino Spouse because he was the most charming or smartest man I'd ever met. I did not marry him because I was overwhelmed by passion for him. I married Dino Spouse because I tried to imagine life without him and it hurt in the same place where it hurts when you think about losing your mother or your brother.
Eight years and three kids later, I cannot deny that I sometimes develop elaborate plans for how I will spend his life insurance money when he and his mother are tragically taken out by a speeding bus in Atlantic City. We have few interests in common and mismatched communication styles. We quarrel and disagree and bore the life out of each other. But I have to say two things about life with Dino Spouse: one, we have an agreement that we must always treat each other more kindly and politely than we treat, say, coworkers. Two, whenever we seriously fight and cross lines (threaten each other with divorce, separate beds, eviction of each other's relatives from the Shoe) one of us will always say to the other, "B-g nac soyedinil," (G-d joined us) and it's always the beginning of reconciliation.
Moments of romance and happiness might be component parts of love and joy, but they aren't the only ones. It's easy to get so caught up in the pursuit of happiness that you forget that joy is what you get when you look back at years of tedium, parenting or economic tribulation or whatever and can not only take pleasure in remembering happy moments but also take pride in not killing each other.
At 3:11 PM,
shy_smiley said…
dino mom: thanks for focusing the lens so eloquently. Your words have brought me new perspective.
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