Monday, October 10, 2005
My husband and I, Baruch Hashem, have struggled a lot financially in our marriage. We've had several bouts of unemployment (when dot.coms died). Mountains of debt. We've received tzedoka. Often, we've quoted the old saying; "There are 3 brochos in life: gezunt (health), parnosso (sustenance), and nachas (pride in one's children). Rarely does G-d give all three." We would always add, "At least we've got the ones that matter."
Well, now G-d seems to be changing His tune. It all started a few months ago when someone sent us a thousand dollars (cash!) anonymously in the mail. Then a relative offered to help us defray our debt. Then Yaakov got a better job (with a signing bonus)! I should be on my knees thanking G-d for His kindness, right?
But I'm not. I'm nervous as hell. I'm USED to struggle, why all of a sudden all this money? Is G-d going to take away another brocho for giving us this one (chas v'shalom)? Also, I'm simply not used to having money. It's weird to be able to want something and have the money to buy it! I've gotten a couple of luxuries (believe me, I feel guilty about it). It's strange to be able to buy more groceries, too, and not count everything out to the penny.
Mind you, the problem has nothing to do with G-d and everything to do with me. Why can't I trust G-d to take care of me however He wants to? Do I have to think He's going to shortchange me? Can't I just accept His blessings and say "thank you?" I know this ties into deeper spiritual and emotional issues, but I'm not going there right now.
Paul Simon sang, "Can't get used to something so right." Man, can I relate.
P.S. Canada-friend called me yesterday and said, "I just want to let you know, I would totally eat in your house" It was a ray of light in a very dark afternoon.