Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Once I read a questionaire on somebody's blog. You know, the usual dorky blog questions that help readers get to know the author. But the last question hit me really hard. The question was; "if you could have a million dollars OR have all your past mistakes erased, which would you take?" The wise blogger answered, "I'd take the million bucks - hey, we all make mistakes." My choice would be to erase my past mistakes. I am a very sensitive person (not always a plus). When I make mistakes, I have a hard time forgiving myself. This is probably why I have a hard time forgiving others at times. I live with my mistakes for years, and - HELL, NO! - I won't let them go. I'm still beating myself up for things I did when I was 18, and I'm 30 now! The fundamental issue, I believe, is my lack of trust and faith in G-d. If I believed in G-d the way I should, I would know that EVERYTHING happens because He wills it. Sure, I have free choice, but ultimately it's all Him. Everything I've done in my life, and everything done to me, is all because Hashem is saying "Hi Maven, I LOVE YOU." The truth is, I shouldn't beat myself up for this lack of faith. This is the avodah of a Jew. We're all struggling with our "G-d issues." We're all trudging along every day under our burdens. All G-d wants us to do is put them down and let Him do the schlepping.