Saturday, September 03, 2005
Sometimes I ask, "Why did I become frum? Why did I do this to myself?" It's not always easy being frum, and I resent the hardships it places on my life. The following is a list of things that bother me:
1) The expectation/responsibility to have tons of kids
2) The financial hardship (tuition, kosher food, the yomim tovim)
3) Having to run to a rav for sha'alehs
4) The struggle to repress my yetzer hora
Number 4 is a big one, because that one encompasses all the others. It's my yetzer hora that prompts the original "What have I done to my life?" questions. I don't want you to think that I am constantly walking around resentful or miserable, quite the contrary. There are many areas of my life that are beautiful, meaningful, and enjoyable, and it's because the Torah lifestyle gave them to me. I couldn't imagine ever walking away from this (well, I could imagine it, but I don't think I ever would). The part about having a lot of kids bothers me the most. My kids are, Baruch Hashem, a real handful. Even other people have commented on this to me. I am oftentimes overwhelmed by their intensity - how can G-d expect me to have more? How many times have I cried out to Hashem "How much can one woman take?!!" I get resentful that I'm expected to have more, when we struggle so much financially. I can't afford cleaning help, and I can barely afford tuition. Sometimes we even struggle with grocery money. Just getting our licenses blew a 40 dollar (!!!) hole into our budget! There are women in my community who have full time household help. FULL TIME! Can you imagine? Sure, they can have lots of kids, but what about the rest of us? It's easy to have 9 kids when Maria can help you, but what about us mothers struggling all by ourselves? I'm feeling very bitter right now. G-d gives my family many blessings, and I need to count them, quick.