Thursday, June 15, 2006
I have an anger problem.
I get very nasty with Yaakov. He's forgiving, and he takes my barbs in stride. I recently told him he was being an enabler. I suggested he give me a Love and Logic type ultimatum: "Maven, you can be sweet or I'm going to have to leave the house for a little while."
I had an episode with him on Sunday where I just totally decimated him. He was supposed to call me when he was done with shul, as I needed him to go to the grocery store. I had my whole family coming over, and I wanted to get a lasagna in the oven. I needed spinach. He didn't call. He stayed late in shul to learn. Then he went to Rav Plony's house to fix his printer. He became the devil incarnate. Over a missed phone call. Over a stupid bag of spinach.
He said, "I think you enjoy being angry at me." That was heavy, and I had to sort it out. I realized he was right. That in some perverse way, I feel empowered by my anger. I'm sure it has to do with old baggage, but it doesn't matter what the reason is. We learn in chassidus, "ha-maisseh hu ha-ikkur," "Action is the main thing." How I treat him is what counts, no matter how I feel.
I was totally ashamed of my behavior. Yaakov is a good guy. He doesn't deserve that. I told him I am committed to changing this negative pattern I have. I've already stopped myself three times (!!!) this week from opening my mouth.
I think this is a good thing to be dealing with now. This is the Spiritual Midwifery approach. A woman has to sort herself out emotionally, so she can be in a good space to have her kid. This is especially important with issues involving her husband.
And committing to positive change is way better than a father's day card!