Thursday, June 01, 2006
I'm really anxious about this birth. I was fine until the midwife showed me those damn videos! None of the women looked like they were having the spiritual experience of their lives.
I have friends who've had quick and easy natural births. Not me. At every birth I've felt like I wanted to die.
A friend gave me an old N'shei Chabad article, a Jerusalem woman writing about her birth experience. While the cab was taking her to the hospital, ambulances were blaring all around - a bombing. So she gets to the hospital, and there are all the bombing victims. Bloodied faces, missing limbs, cries of pain. And she says to herself; I could have an epidural and not feel anything, but there's no epidural for them. My pain is a joyful one, because I'm having a baby. Their pain is completely senseless. That's how she soldiered on.
And look at those poor women in the Congo, may G-d have mercy on them. They've been violated beyond belief. I'm worried about labor? Look what they suffered through!
There's a part of me that's totally depressed about this. Is this the only way to be cheery about natural childbirth? To say; "Well, at least it's not a bombing. At least it's not vicious rape."
I've been paying my midwife all along, I'm locked in with her. I have to get through this. But I'll tell you what, I'm really starting to regret my choice. I love my midwife and I'd like to have a baby with her, but I feel like I just can't deal anymore. I mean, I've paid my dues. I had 3 babies naturally. I had back labor for 33 hours with Chaya, without drugs.
I'm telling you, I was fine until the videos.