Tuesday, October 03, 2006
For the record, I don't mind fasting. I mind taking care of four children while fasting! I was mean. I yelled. I told Rivky that I felt like hitting her (she climbed on top of the baby and woke him). Chaya and Rivky were at it all day. "She did it! She started it! Mommy, she bit me!" I took all candy and treats away - forever.
I thought of other Jewish mothers, locked in their houses. Nowhere to go and kids to watch. I felt connected to them, and took a sadistic measure of comfort thinking they were probably being witches, too. At one point I threw up my hands and yelled at G-d; "There's four of them and one of me - are those odds fair?!"
Towards Ne'ila time, I asked G-d to forgive me for being a mean mother. As I stood there praying aloud, I felt a pair of arms wrap around my leg. I looked down and saw Chaya's eyes, full of love, looking up at me. It was a moment - I never realized she had Yaakov's eyes. And my heart filled with gratitude for my children.
Nonetheless, I think I need a yom kippur to atone for my yom kippur.