Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Yaakov is very close with a certain chossid in our shul. This man's teenage daughter - in the sad humor of yiddish - is "frei." She's chosen not to be religious. I don't know her too well, but I see her self-destruction and I can relate.
Yesterday, after a children's rally in shul, I took my kids for pizza. I saw her walking down the street, wearing tight jeans (and a tighter halter top). I drove around the block to catch up with her. I rolled down the window. "Chaya Mushka? Is that you?" She smiled hesitantly and nodded. "I'm Mrs. Maven, remember me?" She nodded again.
"Do you know it's gimmel tammuz?" She shook her head no. "Well it is, it's the Rebbe's yahrzeit." I could tell she wanted to get away, but I plowed on. "You know, the Rebbe said that all we need is more goodness and kindness for Moshiach to come," She just stood there. "Do you want to come for pizza with us?" I blurted out. I didn't care how crazy it would be to shlep this hottie into the pizza place. She shook her head no. "I'm sorry, I just ate," she said, "and I'm going to the mall. I'm meeting people." I watched her go.
Maybe it's for the best that she didn't come. How would I explain her to my kids? And not just my kids, but to the other moms and kids we were meeting there? How would they feel? It would be awkward, without question.
A mashpia once told me, "You're full of chesed, but you don't have the keilim." In other words, I'm kind - but I don't have the tools to actualize the kindness. I want to help her, but I'm not sure how. And I'm not sure I have the ability to, either.
Love, Maven @ 
6 Comments:
At 11:24 AM,
Mrs Andy said…
Part of this life is that we all have the agency to choose what we do with our life--frei, frum good bad, whatever. However we all will have to account for our choices eventualy.
The best thing you can do for this young lady is to let her know that the "door is always open" if she ever decides to come back or if she ever needs anything--but if she decides to continue on she is still loved and missed. Kindness with out judgement will do more for her than anything.
We don't have to condone or accept the bad choices of others, but we do need to love them and show them kindness. You did the right thing by inviting her. You should not worry about what others would think if you try to fellowship a member of your congregation.
G-d loves us all--even with our sins, shortcomings and faults, he would want this girl to be shown any kindness you can give her.
At 1:10 PM,
Stephanie said…
How does one know what they want when they are young unless they experience? I believe in experiences and choices. She is willing to see if the grass is greener on the otherside..if she will be happier that way. If she comes back to a religious life how glorious it will be for her because she has experienced the otherside. If she finds a happy medium maybe that will be even better for her. What she is doing is learning and growing and experiencing. As long as she doesn't hurt herself and others..I say all the power to you!
At 1:16 PM,
torontopearl said…
If "Chaya Mushka" is in fact the teen's real name, it's somewhat difficult to fathom that name, and what it represents, with the picture of the teen you've painted for us.
Some people stray from Yiddishkeit...but come back. Some people were never close to Yiddishkeit...but come back. Let's hope this young woman is able to find a happy medium if frumkeit is no longer for her.
At 5:49 PM,
talmudita said…
Maven...
Ach, this sounds really painful, especially the part about not having the keilim. I can really relate - sometimes in my work (as a rape crisis counselor) clients will tell me about their problems and say "I'm so overwhelmed" and *I* am so overwhelmed for them. Sometimes you just sit and try and be a compassionate silent presence.
I think trying to develop those keilim, and the awareness that they aren't as developed as you would like is a start. I think two of the most important things to remember are 1. You aren't there to solve the other person's problems. You are just there to be...well, there. To be present to them.
Related, 2. This is about them, not about you. It's just important to be present to where they are at in the moment, not necessarily about how you feel about where they are. (It's important to have an awareness of where you are too, but not necessarily to insert it in your interaction with them right off the bat) Does that make sense?
Blessings that we can all further develop our capacity to grow and give.
At 1:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hello Maven,
I think it is kind of you to show concern for this young girl's well-being. As a young Jewish girl who is also UNorthodox in many ways, I can relate to Chaya Mushka's experience, except that in my case, it's been my non-religious friends trying to keep me from being lost to the "other side". I think the most helpful thing in this situation is to be open-minded and not to feel pity or helplessness. Although G-d has given us many paths to choose from, he has also given each and every one of us a purpose on this earth, and I believe that all roads lead to Him, even Chaya Mushka's.
At 7:37 AM,
Anonymous said…
ten years ago, I had another friend in a very similar situation. unfortunately, his daughter is now dead. perhaps if someone had managed to get through to her, she might still be with us....
:(
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