Tuesday, June 05, 2007
So I have this old camp trunk at the bottom of my closet. It's where I keep my secrets and treasures. It includes diaries, the dress I wore when I met Yaakov, and things from my pre-frum life. Some are very personal.
Last motsei shabbos, Yaakov and I got a babysitter and went out. The babysitter is a very aidel girl, kind and trustworthy. However, in a fit of paranoia, I decided to lock the trunk (nevermind the fact that it's at the bottom of my closet).
This morning, Zalman was playing there as I was getting ready to leave. All of a sudden, I see him holding the lock.
THE LOCK!!!
How did he get that off the trunk? I saw its numbers turned into "unlock mode." My mind started spinning. Did the babysitter go into the secret trunk? Is she a Houdini who can figure out locks? Did I simply forget to lock the trunk? OMG!!! I left the trunk unlocked! With my secrets! My diaries! What if...?
I tried to reconstruct possible scenarios. I brought Zalman over to the trunk, to see if he could somehow grab the lock. He couldn't. After reviewing several options in my mind, I came to the horrible conclusion that I must have left the secret trunk open.
There is NO way the babysitter went into the trunk. NO WAY! Stop being a paranoid fiend! She's a holy Jew, how could you even think such a thing?! Another part chimed in: So what? So what if someone knows all your secrets? Everybody has secrets and shame. It's part of the human experience. I thought of a Ram Dass quote; "Once you realize G-d knows everything, you're free." Okay, I thought. G-d + babysitter.
I was running to Rivky's kindergarten graduation. I got us into the car and called Yaakov frantically from my cell phone.
Me: You know my secret trunk, the one I locked before we went out Saturday night? Well, I must have -
Yaakov: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I went in there to get an old tie-dye to wear while mowing the lawn.
Me: (heart racing) YOU DID?!!?? It was locked when you got your shirt and you left it unlocked?
Yaakov: Yes.
Me: (OCD conniption fit) You're sure it was locked when you got the shirt?
Yaakov: (eyes likely rolling) Yessssss...I have to go back to work now...
I learned from this crazy ordeal:
1. I shouldn't project things onto other Jews.
2. I shouldn't be so paranoid.
3. Time to get rid of some things in the trunk (The Rebbe says you shouldn't have things in your home you're ashamed of, even hidden away).
Love, Maven @ 
9 Comments:
At 1:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
#3 is really an interesting thought. I used to have this diary that I kept "just as historical proof" of an old relationship. It was in an old box of books at my mom's in the garage. I once walked by and realized that the book had been DONATED TO CHARITY! Maybe that was Hashem's way of protecting me from my own embarrasing items.
At 3:45 PM,
Ayelet Survivor said…
Wow, you really are the anxiety maven! Can you store some of the more incriminating stuff in an attic or basement so that it's even less accessible? I don't think you should throw away your past.
At 7:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
maven, it is beautiful how you and yo' man are so good together. once, long ago- at the very start of our married life, i happened upon an old skunk of a trunk of my husband's. to my sickened stomach i found old pictures of him in the arms of a college sweet heart- i also found sexy old love notes which included her ickey sappy lil nickname for him...
well, i was stunnneedddd. i didn't know my husband so well, but he didn't seem like such a light hearted old sentimental as to hang onto this stuff! i actaully couldn't hug, kiss, or even talk to him with straight face for days, because of this stupid can of worms i thought he was hoarding away in secret. eventually i admitted to having stumbled upon it, and having thoroughly researched its contents, wondered who was that girl, and why did he still want souvenirs of his time with her now that we'd been under a chuppah together????
well, without even examinning the treasure trove trunk, he threw it's contents all down the incinerator! G-d bless him! and now we are happily approaching our 8 year wedding anniversary!!! some old memorobilia is wonderful, and fine- other stuff is NOT!
At 12:09 AM,
Maven said…
anon - THAT WAS YOU??? i bought that book at a hospital fundraiser! boy, you guys had some torrid relationship. ok, i'm lying.
ayelet - what, you think i named the blog for nothing? i don't want to throw away my past, just uh....delete a few scenes.
this reminds me of some lubavitcher shluchim i know who met each other on dead tour. well, they have a pic of their pre-frum, dreadlocked selves staring goofily at each other. so the wife says to me, "i'm thinking of destroying this picture, i'd hate it if my kids found it." i told her, "don't you dare!"
anon - you are too funny! kudos to your husband for chucking it all into the incinerator!
At 8:58 AM,
SohoSally said…
What's so incriminating? It's everything in your past that's made you who are. I can see wanting to get rid of memorabilia that might prove hurtful to a significant other, but then again - why? You're together, not with thep eople in the old photos.
At 2:40 PM,
Stephanie said…
I had an old diary from 1978-1979 when I was first married..I wrote some very personal stuff in it that I would not like anyone to read..one day not too too long ago..i stumbled upon it and said to myself..if i should drop dead and they were cleaning out my stuff, someone would find it..I immediately threw it away.
At 5:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
A relative of mine had diaries from when she was a girl, and they happened to include stuff about guys she was interested in. When things got serious with her husband, she got rid of them. Now she rather regrets it. Sometimes, even if things are rather embarassing to share with others, they're important to keep for yourself. You'd never tell someone else what underwear you wear- but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't wear underwear. It's just that some things are for sharing, and some things aren't. It sounds like what you were embarassed about is a trespass from public to private- which is, I think, different from having things that you feel you shouldn't Have.
At 8:54 PM,
Ayelet Survivor said…
I find myself very curious about the dress you were wearing when you met your husband.... Was it a cute spaghetti-strap sundress, the kind I look at so longingly? Sometime in the 1990s, the fashion powers-that-be decreed that sleeves on dresses were like teeth on hens. They revived halters, one-shoulder numbers, and of course the strapless neckline. All of which I find absolutely stunning and glamorous.
Whenever I have an event, I go from store to store fruitlessly seeking a dress that covers more than the barest minimum. And all I want to do is wear a strapless dress like the one I wore to my prom -- black lace, tight boned bodice, long full skirt.
It's painful.
At 11:31 AM,
Maven said…
debka - an interesting point.
ayelet - it was a hippie-dippie flowing indian dress. as for you, why don't you find a dress you like, buy it, and then just wear it in your apartment? even if no one sees it but you, it can still make you feel awesome.
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