Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Paranoia = Bad

So I have this old camp trunk at the bottom of my closet. It's where I keep my secrets and treasures. It includes diaries, the dress I wore when I met Yaakov, and things from my pre-frum life. Some are very personal.

Last motsei shabbos, Yaakov and I got a babysitter and went out. The babysitter is a very aidel girl, kind and trustworthy. However, in a fit of paranoia, I decided to lock the trunk (nevermind the fact that it's at the bottom of my closet).

This morning, Zalman was playing there as I was getting ready to leave. All of a sudden, I see him holding the lock.


How did he get that off the trunk? I saw its numbers turned into "unlock mode." My mind started spinning. Did the babysitter go into the secret trunk? Is she a Houdini who can figure out locks? Did I simply forget to lock the trunk? OMG!!! I left the trunk unlocked! With my secrets! My diaries! What if...?

I tried to reconstruct possible scenarios. I brought Zalman over to the trunk, to see if he could somehow grab the lock. He couldn't. After reviewing several options in my mind, I came to the horrible conclusion that I must have left the secret trunk open.

There is NO way the babysitter went into the trunk. NO WAY! Stop being a paranoid fiend! She's a holy Jew, how could you even think such a thing?! Another part chimed in: So what? So what if someone knows all your secrets? Everybody has secrets and shame. It's part of the human experience. I thought of a Ram Dass quote; "Once you realize G-d knows everything, you're free." Okay, I thought. G-d + babysitter.

I was running to Rivky's kindergarten graduation. I got us into the car and called Yaakov frantically from my cell phone.

Me: You know my secret trunk, the one I locked before we went out Saturday night? Well, I must have -
Yaakov: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I went in there to get an old tie-dye to wear while mowing the lawn.
Me: (heart racing) YOU DID?!!?? It was locked when you got your shirt and you left it unlocked?
Yaakov: Yes.
Me: (OCD conniption fit) You're sure it was locked when you got the shirt?
Yaakov: (eyes likely rolling) Yessssss...I have to go back to work now...

I learned from this crazy ordeal:

1. I shouldn't project things onto other Jews.
2. I shouldn't be so paranoid.
3. Time to get rid of some things in the trunk (The Rebbe says you shouldn't have things in your home you're ashamed of, even hidden away).


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My Photo Name: Fancy Schmancy Anxiety Maven
Location: Chutz l'aretz - Outside of Brooklyn

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