Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Last night while bathing 8 year old Chaya, she asked, "Why are boys' bodies and girls' bodies different?" I answered stupidly, "I don't know, why do you think?" (I thought maybe she heard something in school.) "I don't know," she shrugged. "Maybe it's because boys and girls grow up and do different things," I suggested. "Yeah," she said. "Like girls grow up to be movie stars and boys grow up to be fix-it men." "Or maybe," I said, "It's because boys grow up to be rabbis and girls grow up to be mommies?" "Or rebbetzins," she smartly rejoined.
That closed the conversation - for now. But I know there will be a time when it's opened again, and this simple answer will not be enough.
I belong to a message board for frum women, and this topic comes up from time to time. I'm surprised by the things I learn from the women who post. Many women write that when they were (religious) teens, they heard all about this from their peers in school. Some ladies from uber-chassidish homes say they only learned about it before they got married (and a few were extremely disturbed and upset). Some ladies wrote that their mothers gently told them, when they asked. I think I'm going to end up being one of those latter mothers. Chaya is too smart and too curious, and I know the day will come when the truth must be told.
I just hope it doesn't happen anytime soon.
Love, Maven @ 
14 Comments:
At 11:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
MAVEN! I know you are frum, but please find it in your former hippie self to share some things (modestly) with your daughter. Imagine the horrors that would of come to you had you known nothing when your body was growing and changing? And the chatter amongst kids can be much worse than the truth...you would hate for your daughter to hear a half-truth or a wives tale...Empower her!
At 5:08 AM,
Ayelet Survivor said…
Some girls grow up to be more than mommies! Chaya seems to get this ;)
I also agree with anonymous -- you need to have "the talk" with all of your kids before they hit adolescence and surging hormones.
My nieces used to ask me where babies come from, and I would say, "I don't know -- I haven't had one yet." They were smart enough to realize I was being evasive, but they couldn't argue with my logic.
At 10:24 AM,
Mrs. Y said…
It's not like you have to have A Talk, Mavenochka. You can have lots of little talks. Remember, she's probably not going to be able or eager to absorb every fact of life all at once. Just take the teachable moments the Lord gives you and hand off The Facts one or two at a time at the most basic level possible. I would dread it too if I thought I needed to bust out the charts and graphs for the little monsters all at once and field every embarassing question right away!
At 10:25 AM,
Mrs Andy said…
I will third having the talk with her when she is ready (haha, when is that? who knows). Having taught school for many years, I saw so many kids come thru my doors who had no clue about their bodies, what they were capable of and how to respect the body and the power that it holds. It's better that she be taught by you and your husband than by the kids of the playground.
At 10:53 AM,
frumhouse said…
When my kids ask, I tell (to my husband's horror!).
At 11:27 AM,
Maven said…
ok everybody...to be clear, i am planning on telling the truth. but in a modest way, in an age appropriate way, etc. it's not a bad thing, after all, it's a mitzva and has to be treated as such. the rebbe advocated speaking truthfully on these issues, and i wish i could find the text that i read about it. that could serve as a sound guideline. nonetheless, i do find it daunting, and i hope chaya waits awhile before she starts asking more specific questions.
At 11:38 AM,
Mrs Andy said…
Is there someone you could talk to in your congregation...perhaps a mom with kids a bit older than Chaya? I know we have discussion groups about various topic among the ladies in my faith, and it's very helpful to get the input of other mothers.
At 11:45 AM,
Mrs Andy said…
I remember being about 10 or 11 whem my mom sat me down and explained puberty, that time of the month and so on....which was good, the next year all of that happened, and I was mortified to say the least. I was the only girl in class who did not want to "be a woman" so to speak. I was totally content to play on the monkey bars the rest of my life.
I also remember my mom phrasing it, "You might have noticed your body has started to grow up and change, this is why and she also said 'this is going to be happening to you soon'...etc."
I think it is also very appropriate to bring the religious reasons of why we remain chaste, and respecting the body, and honoring this gift from G-d -- when you get to the birds and bees stage of this topic. But also that in remaining chaste, and true to the commandments, and respectful of the body and what it can do, we are honoring G-d thru that devotion.
I hope that doesn't sound too corny, maybe I should have emailed it??
At 9:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
I just remember a cousin (aged 10) telling me (aged 8) about a VERY SCARY thing that happens to girls. I was so scared that I would be in the beach when the SCARY THING happened that and sharks would circle. See? Bad. :)
At 2:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
OMG! Maven, I am saddened to see that you missed this important opportunity with your daughter -- she was asking, and you evaded. What message does that send? That our vaginas and penises are shameful or dirty? Has v'shalom! She may bring it up again but really, given her age, I think you should open the topic when you have some private time together. Our bodies were made for more than making babies! These parts of our bodies also give us pleasure, and should be discussed in a positive way....c'mon, Maven, you can do it! Yes we can!
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