Sunday, June 24, 2007
Friends are very important to me. I don't feel I experienced real friendship until I went to yeshiva. I mean, I had acquaintances. But a real friend? A deep, soul-sister kind of friend? Not until then.
My criteria for a friend is someone who is intelligent, deep, and sensitive. The main thing I look for is someone whom I can be emotionally intimate (and ultimately fearless) with. I want to be able to tell my friends about my anxiety. It's no chiddush that I'm anxious - yet believe it or not, not everyone knows. And even the people who do know, they don't necessarily know what "takes me there." With a friend I want to say, "this is who I am, these are some of the mistakes I've made, this is my pain."
So I have this friend, and I really like her. She's a deep thinker, and we always have intense conversations. She herself admits to being an intense person, and knows that not everyone can appreciate that about her. But me? That's my kind of woman.
Anyway, a few shabbosim ago I took her to places in my life that I think freaked her out. I'm not sure about this, which almost makes it worse. I mean, we talked about it, and it was fine while I was there, but it's the aftermath that leaves me confused. I used to call her on the phone and she'd answer with caller ID delight. But since then, I haven't heard that joy from her. I wonder if I'm not the person she thought I was. Maybe I'm imagining all this?
I desperately want to say to her, "You mean the world to me, our friendship is so precious. Did my confessions disturb you? Is my dark underbelly so dark that you don't want to be my friend anymore? I'm not that person anymore, please believe me." But I'm afraid. I'm afraid because maybe that's a boundary I shouldn't cross. If she does feel that way, maybe she wants to keep it to herself. Maybe I would be violating her privacy to even ask. And I'm afraid to ask because what if it's true?
I don't think I could take it. I mean, I guess I could. I'm a big girl, I've had friendships change, and drift. I've lost some. I've hurt people and I've been hurt. I suppose we all have. But this friend? It would pain me terribly. I'd feel like my past is so dark that it muddies the person I am today.
...and that makes me ashamed.
Love, Maven @ 
7 Comments:
At 11:40 AM,
Ayelet Survivor said…
Don't ever be ashamed of your past. All of us have done things we're not thrilled about, and if we've left them in the past (as you obviously have), then we shouldn't be judged by those past actions.
However, it might not be a bad idea to clear the air. Without referring directly to anything, you could call her and ask to speak in person. Then you say that you know you shared a lot with her last time you spoke, and ask if there's anything you said that's bothering her.
At 12:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
How bad could it be? What--did you smoke pot at a Dead show? Have sex? Get over it Maven!
At 3:56 PM,
talmudita said…
Maven, all people, not only BTs, have done things in the past that they aren't proud of. My parents were at some kind of self-discovery seminar and they asked the people "who feels like you are faking at life" and everyone raised their hand. Somehow in growing up and being an adult, we all are feel like we aren't quite ourselves.
You don't have anything to be ashamed of. Hashem put a pure neshama into you.
At 2:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
I agree with Sprouter...it is only once we let go out the guilt that we can shed our outer layer and have the ability to move forward! If anything, this friend of yours is probably 1) giving you room to recover from letting yourself become so open or 2) dealing with her own realizations of imperfections and past realities. Hashem didn't make us perfect, Hashem made us perfect.
At 6:28 PM,
Wendy said…
I'd ask. Not knowing, worrying & such eats a person up. Just my opinion. :)
At 7:35 PM,
Dinosaur Mom said…
Man, I hate that feeling. It's embarassing when you realize that you may have shared more of yourself than your conversational partner - whether it's a friend or just an acquaintance - is prepared to handle. I hope things come right between you and your friend.
At 10:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
the best part of open communication is being able to separate fantasy from reality, if both parties are to be honest. Sometimes, when we feel the possibility that someone might be feeling negatively about some part of us, we view innocent actions as having intent related to us. Imagine if during the time after your conversation, your friend were very involved in things that took up her time and energy, but had absolutely nothing to do with you...all the energy devoted to interpreting her lack of warmth as directed toward you, when the reality could have been that she was preoccupied with VERY different things.
Also, some people don't realize when they step into themselves and aren't conveying the same warmth as usual - they sometimes need a "hello in there, do you have stuff on your mind?" to step back out of their own murky waters. of course, this is hard to do when you see yourself as the cause of the lack of warmth. If you are able, take the leap, nice surprises are so gratifying.
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