Sunday, June 24, 2007
Friends are very important to me. I don't feel I experienced real friendship until I went to yeshiva. I mean, I had acquaintances. But a real friend? A deep, soul-sister kind of friend? Not until then.
My criteria for a friend is someone who is intelligent, deep, and sensitive. The main thing I look for is someone whom I can be emotionally intimate (and ultimately fearless) with. I want to be able to tell my friends about my anxiety. It's no chiddush that I'm anxious - yet believe it or not, not everyone knows. And even the people who do know, they don't necessarily know what "takes me there." With a friend I want to say, "this is who I am, these are some of the mistakes I've made, this is my pain."
So I have this friend, and I really like her. She's a deep thinker, and we always have intense conversations. She herself admits to being an intense person, and knows that not everyone can appreciate that about her. But me? That's my kind of woman.
Anyway, a few shabbosim ago I took her to places in my life that I think freaked her out. I'm not sure about this, which almost makes it worse. I mean, we talked about it, and it was fine while I was there, but it's the aftermath that leaves me confused. I used to call her on the phone and she'd answer with caller ID delight. But since then, I haven't heard that joy from her. I wonder if I'm not the person she thought I was. Maybe I'm imagining all this?
I desperately want to say to her, "You mean the world to me, our friendship is so precious. Did my confessions disturb you? Is my dark underbelly so dark that you don't want to be my friend anymore? I'm not that person anymore, please believe me." But I'm afraid. I'm afraid because maybe that's a boundary I shouldn't cross. If she does feel that way, maybe she wants to keep it to herself. Maybe I would be violating her privacy to even ask. And I'm afraid to ask because what if it's true?
I don't think I could take it. I mean, I guess I could. I'm a big girl, I've had friendships change, and drift. I've lost some. I've hurt people and I've been hurt. I suppose we all have. But this friend? It would pain me terribly. I'd feel like my past is so dark that it muddies the person I am today.
...and that makes me ashamed.