Sunday, July 08, 2007
"You've been anxious ever since I've known you, and it's been 10 years," my friend informed me this morning on the phone. "Longer than that," I countered. "I remember dealing with this stuff when I was 12."
We started talking about my issues. "I can't leave my house unless it's clean, is that normal?" I asked. "Like today, we're going to pick up my brother. I could not leave the house Until. It. Was. Clean. I'll bet it would be really healthy for me to leave it one day," I mused. "Walk out and shut the door, leaving the mess. Of course," I added, "There are people who can't leave their houses until they swab them down with alcohol. I've read cases like that."
You know, I just had to make that hefsek between me and raging OCD. I don't have compulsions. But anxiety and ruminations? I've lived with those for years. They're a part of me, and I'm uncomfortably used to them. "Change is hard," I told my friend. "It's easier to get pregnant than to face a psychiatrist." Those words were ones I'd felt for a long time, yet telling her them made them real. It was startling to hear them. It's startling to type them.
I won't take meds when I'm pregnant or nursing, states I'm often in. And I'm hiding behind these maternal veils because I'm afraid to get help. I'm afraid to talk to a stranger about my turmoil. I'm afraid medication won't help. You know, The Rebbe said if you are locked in jail, it is you sitting on the keys. Rebbe, what can I do?
I'm afraid to stand up...
Love, Maven @ 
4 Comments:
At 3:51 AM,
Ayelet Survivor said…
I can understand your reluctance to take meds when you're pregnant or nursing, but being anxious when you're pregnant or nursing is also not so good for either you or the baby. (Or the rest of your family.)
There's been a lot of research on which medications pose a threat and which do not. You could talk with a specialist in high-risk pregnancy about whether it might be safe for you to take, say, Zoloft. A friend of mine took Prozac, and nursed, through two healthy pregnancies, and she and the kids are all perfectly fine.
At 9:01 AM,
Mrs Andy said…
You might find talking to a stranger very liberating. I know I have when dealing with my issues. It's like I can leave it there with them and know that I won't run into them at the store or church or anywhere else.
As for taking meds, I understand your concern. My doctor told me that Effexor is safe during pregnancy. But, you should talk to your doctor to make sure. :)
At 10:03 AM,
Dinosaur Mom said…
Yeah, seriously, lots of meds are safe in pregnancy. Plus you may be giving the little ones a leg up by upping their serotonins and whatnot in utero. My oldest, who didn't get prozac in utero, shows far stronger inclinations toward depression than Riley (30 mg/day) and Mouse (80 mg/day).
At 12:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
Just found your blog. Interesting read.
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