Friday, October 19, 2007
First through third grade were the most terrible years of my life. I had poor social skills and a bad haircut. I had no friends. NO FRIENDS. I was teased mercilessly. Every day, when we were on the playground, I would cry. I'm crying now, writing about the lonely little girl I was.
I outgrew that phase, though I feel it has affected every part of my life. I believe my anxiety issues are rooted in this terrible time. On a deep level, I don't feel that I ever fit in - even now. Yaakov loves me unconditionally, and I know his love has fostered much healing. Nonetheless, the scars are deep. They fester from time to time.
In the past few months, I have offended three of my closest friends. Each time, I said something inadvertently. In two situations, I mentioned something "safe" that apparently wasn't. My delivery was poor. Or the timing was bad. All my friends took me to task. Two in loving ways, one not.
Today, a friend told me I had offended her. My best friend, my sister friend, who is always on the same wavelength as me. In nine years, we've never had a disagreement. She forgave me whole-heartedly. She knows I love her, and would never consciously hurt her. But it still hurt me, and made me feel so sad. Sad for both of us. There's a fear that the friendship won't recover. It's happened to me before.
In this moment, as I live with uncertainty, I have become Playground-Girl again. Terribly lonely, and unworthy of love.
And I still have a bad haircut.