Friday, October 19, 2007
First through third grade were the most terrible years of my life. I had poor social skills and a bad haircut. I had no friends. NO FRIENDS. I was teased mercilessly. Every day, when we were on the playground, I would cry. I'm crying now, writing about the lonely little girl I was.
I outgrew that phase, though I feel it has affected every part of my life. I believe my anxiety issues are rooted in this terrible time. On a deep level, I don't feel that I ever fit in - even now. Yaakov loves me unconditionally, and I know his love has fostered much healing. Nonetheless, the scars are deep. They fester from time to time.
In the past few months, I have offended three of my closest friends. Each time, I said something inadvertently. In two situations, I mentioned something "safe" that apparently wasn't. My delivery was poor. Or the timing was bad. All my friends took me to task. Two in loving ways, one not.
Today, a friend told me I had offended her. My best friend, my sister friend, who is always on the same wavelength as me. In nine years, we've never had a disagreement. She forgave me whole-heartedly. She knows I love her, and would never consciously hurt her. But it still hurt me, and made me feel so sad. Sad for both of us. There's a fear that the friendship won't recover. It's happened to me before.
In this moment, as I live with uncertainty, I have become Playground-Girl again. Terribly lonely, and unworthy of love.
And I still have a bad haircut.
Love, Maven @ 
10 Comments:
At 7:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
You know, I grew up in a very similar situation. I always thought that as soon as you grew up, the friend situation would be better (anythign would of been better than what I was experiencing!!!)
At 27, I am constantly shocked to see how people aren't always that much more mature. Friendships that I still have can still make me feel like I am 9.
Gd willing we all find that balance...Good Shabbos!
At 9:17 PM,
Dinosaur Mom said…
I also had a bad haircut and confusing friendships.
At 8:45 PM,
torontopearl said…
I love the sad punch line about the haircut -- how honest,and almost bittersweet.
I'm glad you've come a long way, baby... understanding husbands are one of the greatest gifts from G-d.
At 9:59 PM,
Maven said…
pearlie: the good news is, the sheitl covers it.
At 5:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
How true it is that we bring our past with us to our current experiences. The gift that we have is the ability to see the present as separate from our past, with the maturity to see the other person in the relationship more maturely than we would as children. My most developed relationship with a friend evolved through working through anger that had been unaddressed, and it is still one of my most honest relationships. This friend taught me that talking about the pain you feel (hopefully in a way that the person can feel the pain without putting up their own wall of defense) about something the other person has done can enhance the relationship through deeper communication and sensitivity to each other's needs. I have found that when I have had the courage to do so, relationships have grown, and communication that may be uncomfortable at the time, if handled correctly afterward, can make the relationship better. Just because your personal history includes negative relationships doesn't mean that uncomfortable interaction has to follow that inevitable rocky road.
At 11:46 AM,
Scraps said…
I know Playground Girl very well.
(((hugs)))
At 3:29 PM,
Wendy said…
I think we all have those fears - as children and as adults. Still, facing them and building relationships make our lives better and more full. Trust yourself. Remember, too, that others bring their insecurities with them and their reactions are part of their stuff too... Totally secure, they might just laugh it off, right?
PS: I'm not loving my haircut either.
At 1:28 PM,
Dinosaur Mom said…
That reminds me, when do we get a sheitl update? How's yours holding up since the last sheitl post?
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