Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Monday night went off without a hitch, it was just The Mavens and my mom. We were supposed to have other guests, who didn't show for various reasons.
The challah was okay. Everybody raved about it, but I like my old recipe better. The fish head was horrendous, as usual. I closed my eyes and took my token bite. My mother was totally grossed out - she wouldn't try it, no way. The salads were great, the matzo ball soup was delish, the chicken was yummy. The sweet lokshen kugel was the winner of the night. I wasn't crazy about the texture of the honey cake, but everybody liked that, too. The cook is always the most critical, I guess. We didn't get to the zuccini shiitake dish or the tzimmes. I actually had a lot on my mind that night. I didn't tell anyone - not even Yaakov. I just put on a happy face. I finally got into bed at 10:45, when I heard Yaakov answering the door. My father in law, hooray. I crawled out of bed, put on my apron, and back into the kitchen I went.
Tuesday morning the kids and I trekked to shul to hear shofar, and then I took them home. I don't like going to shul, because it's hard to keep track of my brood. I can't daaven when I'm worried about where my kids are. It rained on the way home, and we had to seek shelter on somebody's porch. We finally got home and I'm all set to daaven - no machzor. I left it in shul. I went back and found it (so relieved). The Tuesday lunch guests were really nice, a new family in the neighborhood. I think the mommy and I are going to be friends.
Tuesday night, Mrs. Stein and her gang. All the kids were overtired and nutty, so The Steins left after the soup course. I sent them home with a nice amount of food, since they were leaving early. After they left (and the kids were asleep), Yaakov and I discussed what was troubling me on Monday night. He's a great listener, very compassionate. I can really "go there" with him, if you know what I mean. He gives great advice, too. He reminded me that "Der Aibeshter" is in charge - it is Rosh Hashana, after all.
Wednesday, Yaakov blew shofar for us. I stayed home until I had to go to shul to run the kids' program. That was fine, but I have come to the conclusion that the kids' program brings out the Anxiety Maven. There are kids everywhere, sometimes being unsafe. Not necessarily the kids I supervise, just in general. During the program I read to them, we daaven, we sing, we play games. It's when kids want to wander, that's when I get nervous. Anyway, we had the program and then we had to go back to shul.
I was by the door, and there were some little kids who wanted to run back outside. It was raining. I became the door guard. "YOU! Back inside!" I was putting out a very uptight vibe. I said to a friend, "I'm a control freak, aren't I?" I was trying to be self-deprecating. "Yes," she said firmly, "you are." Then she paused. "Not all the time, but sometimes. And you have good intentions." I guess that was to soften the blow, but it hurt nonetheless.
I tried to sort it out in my head. Why do I become a control freak? I talked it over with Yaakov on our way to lunch. I think I get anxious about certain situations, and then I try to control everything to minimize my anxiety. Child safety is a hot button issue for me. I CAN learn to deal with it though, without being anxious about it. Yaakov quoted a line from Star Wars; "The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, The more star systems will slip through your fingers."
Maybe I should get Princess Leia to run the kids' program.