Friday, October 07, 2005
It's time for some self-examination.
Last night I was on the phone with Canada-friend, and we were talking about kashrus.
When I lived in Brooklyn, I would buy meat that was under hashgocho "X". It was easily available, that was the community standard, that's what I bought. Here, in chutz l'aretz, I generally buy fleishigs under hashgocho "Y". Basically everybody in shul eats "Y," and I feel comfortable eating it too. "X" isn't so readily available, and it's much more expensive.
Canada-friend eats only "X." I felt a stab of pain. Would Canada-friend not eat in my home? Is the friend that I am always "on the same page with" now a chapter ahead?
I feel disgusted with myself. I'm not sad over the fact that I have "lowered" my kashrus standards, G-d forbid. It's not coming from a place of piousness. I feel sad that I'm not "keeping up." It's coming from a place of ego.
Canada-friend also has a mashpia whom she is close with. When I lived in Brooklyn, I had a mashpia too. My mashpia lived right across the street from me. If I ever needed to talk she would walk over, or vice versa. Now that I live "out of town," it's harder to connect with her. I have "out of town" issues that I don't know if she could relate to. I don't have a mashpia now, and I am sad. I need one.
I would ask the mashpia about the hashgocho issue.
I would ask her to help me stop being so selfish.