Friday, December 16, 2005
This morning I was in the grocery store and I picked up some O-U brand corn flakes. I thought to myself, "When Sheina and her kids come, I'll buy Kemach."
I have this friend in NY who is coming to visit in January. She is particular about kashrus, and it's been on my mind. One time she cooked a meal for me after I had a baby. She listed all the hechsherim on all the ingredients she used. Hard core.
So I got a phone call from her today, and she says, "I'm really sorry Maven, I have to ask you a question." As soon as she said it, I knew exactly what was coming. My heart sank. "Do you eat Rubashkin or C.H.K.?" (I blogged about this once, using the terms "hashgocho X" and "hashgocho Y".) "C.H.K.," I lied. "Oh good," she said, "I know it's hard to get C.H.K. outside of New York, but I spoke to a mashpia about it and it's important for me to eat only C.H.K."
I feel totally disgusting now. I knew she only ate C.H.K., and that's all I was planning on serving her. I felt like if I said I ate Rubashkin, she would judge me in a negative light. (Reminds you of something I wrote about 2 posts ago, hey?) I should have said, "We eat Rubashkin, but we'll make sure to have C.H.K. for your visit." My ego allowed me to lie to another Jew. (Yaakov likes to joke that "ego" stands for "easing G-d out.")
After the phone call I started wondering about my kashrus. Am I keeping kosher enough? I was looking around and thinking of all the food and hechsherim in my kitchen. I was in the middle of making tofutti cheesecake. Would she eat tofutti, I wondered?
I really feel like I tow the party line in regards to my kashrus. Amongst my "group" there are certain hechsherim that are frowned upon, and I avoid those. Some of us are stricter than others about things, and there are grey areas. When I lived in Brooklyn, I only ate C.H.K. for meat - but the majority of us "out-of-towners" rely on Rubashkin.
I'm rationalizing. The problem here is not the hashgocho. The problem is that I lied.
I need to talk to somebody about this.
Love, Maven @ 
3 Comments:
At 1:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
give yourself a break.
oh, and it's "toe the line", as in ... putting one's toe close to the line between good/bad.
hang in there, things will get better
At 8:26 AM,
shy_smiley said…
I'm at a loss as far as keeping kosher, but I totally understand the feeling you get when you lie to someone, whatever the reason. I hope you find a way to remedy the situation. Telling the truth, no matter how difficult, will lighten the load you tow.
My thoughts are with you, Maven.
At 9:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'm actually sure that she'll understand when you tell her what you went through (are going through)and also the truth.. in yoga we call maintaining a certain posture perfectly "being in integrity"- and sometimes when you are "holding" a certain"posture"- and someone bumps into you- especially if you're "balancing"- you can tend to fall down...its so hard in the heat of the moment to maintain absolute "integrity"- its so 100% important to have compassion for yourself- - you need to fill up your self love tank and revive your 100% emunah gears-you are doing everything as very 100% good as you are able to - and Hashem slow to anger- is forgiving you and giving you another chance in every breath and heartbeat.
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