Tuesday, December 06, 2005
When I was engaged someone told us about a therapist/writer named Harville Hendrix. He wrote a book called "Getting the Love You Want."
One of the main themes of the book is that we marry a person who resonates with us. Someone familiar. Someone who reminds us, on some level, of our parents or primary caretakers.
This person then - ideally - helps us heal from our childhood wounds and pain. The healthy marriage is one where we feel safe to work out our "stuff." The marriage becomes a tikkun (healing).
So today I had this deep thought (while I was throwing out some garbarge - a metaphor?). "Am I contributing to Yaakov's Life-Healing?" It struck me very deeply. I don't think I've been doing such a great job lately.
Yaakov loves me unconditionally - a very deep and forgiving love. I'm not emotionally mature enough (yet) to love him like that. If I could, surely I'd be a balm for all that ever ailed him.
Please G-d, help me grow and heal that I might love so fully. Help me love You.
Signing off in tears.
Love, Maven @ 
5 Comments:
At 8:25 PM,
n/a said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 8:27 PM,
n/a said…
We never really know what the spouse is actually looking to heal, though, either. Sometimes the emotionally mature and loving ones need us to be able to make amends for someone they failed to love with emotional maturity when they were younger. Not that I'm projecting myself on your husband or anything.
Was he always frum or are you making the journey together?
(deleted first post because of typo ...)
At 8:24 AM,
shy_smiley said…
please don't cry, Maven.
I had a similar conversation last Sunday night with two writer friends. Not that I have any answers, but it's interesting to me that this subject should come up again.
I married someone who also loves me unconditionally and tells me daily how wonderful he thinks I am. I never got that kind of constant affirmation from my parents and I still haven't figured out how to graciously accept it from my husband.
Thanks for reminding me that DH chose me for a reason, too. I've never tried to reason that one out.
Don't forget to love and forgive yourself. That's a unique ability given us...G-d created us in H-s image (is that a part of your belief system too?). Loving that image is as great and as difficult as loving G-d H-mself.
At 10:28 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sorry, I had to... ;)
Look out of any window
any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky -
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
this is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago
Walk out of any doorway
feel your way, feel your way
like the day before
Maybe you'll find direction
around some corner
where it's been waiting to meet you -
What do you want me to do,
to watch for you while you're sleeping?
Well please don't be surprised
when you find me dreaming too
Look into any eyes
you find by you, you can see
clear through to another day
I know it's been seen before
through other eyes on other days
while going home --
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
It's all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago
Walk into splintered sunlight
Inch your way through dead dreams
to another land
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted
with words half spoken
and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do
to do for you to see you through
A box of rain will ease the pain
and love will see you through
Just a box of rain -
wind and water -
Believe it if you need it,
if you don't just pass it on
Sun and shower -
Wind and rain -
in and out the window
like a moth before a flame
It's just a box of rain
I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare
But it's just a box of rain
or a ribbon for your hair
Such a long long time to be gone
and a short time to be there
At 3:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Definitely read Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and feeding of Husbands. It makes you really want to be a nice wife.
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