Wednesday, May 17, 2006
I have to say it feels good to be out of the "pregnancy closet." It's been such a major part of my life, it was weird not to blog about it.
Now that I'm in my 9th month, I'm facing major anxiety issues. I mean, I have anxiety in general - I am the Anxiety Maven, after all - but it seems more amplified these days. I don't know if that's due to the pregnancy or what.
I was reflecting about my shabbos nail biting session, and I realized that I did the same thing towards the end of my last 2 pregnancies. I remember thinking; "Please Hashem, let my fingernails heal so I don't meet my new baby covered in band-aids." I'm sure the nail biting is anxiety-related.
Another issue is labor support: I want Yaakov to come, but who's going to watch our kids? I asked Mrs. Stein to come, but she has to be able to get a babysitter for her kids. My mom asked if she could be with me, but I feel like I don't want her there. I love my mom and we get along great, but she's not familiar with the natural childbirth scene. I feel I'll be inhibited if she's around, and that's not helpful! I know she really wants to be there, and I feel like she'll be let down if she can't attend.
Then there's the anxiety surrounding the actual labor. Yaakov has a saying; "insanity is when we do the same thing over and over again, but keep expecting different results." So I'm wondering if I'm insane! I keep expecting the next one to be the magical birth! Yaakov was in the delivery room with me when I gave birth to Srulik, saying tehillim behind a screen. He told me afterwards that he literally wanted to die hearing me in so much pain.
I have an appointment with my midwife tomorrow night for a breathing and relaxation class. She's mentioned things/techniques to me that none of my other midwives have. Things that will help me in labor, things that will ease the pushing phase. So I should at least TRY and be optimistic about things, right?