Sunday, August 13, 2006
Before shabbos I noticed a yahrzeit candle atop our kitchen ledge. "Who's that for?" I asked. "Your stepfather," Yaakov answered. "Why would I light a candle for him?" I retorted.
I was surprised at how vehement my response was. I didn't realize I still carried around so much anger.
There are so many times I've tried to have peace and closure - times I've screwed up as a parent and said; "Ok, I can relate to you, we're both human and have both made mistakes." I've been to the cemetary and tried to talk things over with you. I even bought a book to help me. It's been 17 years, and I still feel disgust over you. Disgust and contempt.
I hate the vile immodesty you brought into our lives. I hate how you would give everybody in the house the "silent treatment" for days. How you would lord your anger over all of us. I hate how you would yell and be sarcastic. I hate the fact that you were mean to me when I didn't understand things. I hate that you thought it was okay to tell a 6 year old basically everything. I hate the parts of you that have become parts of me. I was relieved when you died, I finally felt free of your tyranny.
But I see now I'm not really free at all.
Love, Maven @ 
5 Comments:
At 5:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wow Maven.
That's a lot to share.
Now that it has surfaced, you can deal with it.
You write so well.
I'm one of your anonymous blog readers. I wouldn't miss a post.
In the meantime, I'm afraid to let you see my blog. Oy on me.
At 4:25 AM,
Stephanie said…
anger sucks Miss Maven..I have that now with my sister..and i try now to concentrate on the good things but that makes me sadder, so it is much easier to concentrate on shitty things because anger feels better than sadness. Anyway..somethings a person can never really get over. It is the journey you are on and believe it or not, you have learned from the stepfather. You should meet my stepmother..she was cruel beyond cruel and today we have a decent relationship..ok, not relationship..what is it that we do have i wonder? Well..peace is what we have now.
At 4:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Being able to express WHY you are so hurt and angry is a HUGE part of the healing process. If only we all were able to express so clearly. It seems to me that you are well on your way.
At 4:41 PM,
Also A Chussid said…
deep
At 8:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
discharging feelings through expressing is very healthy! Thank G-d for caring listeners to receive!
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