Sunday, July 22, 2007
I originally joined Weight Watchers after Rivky was born, about 6 years ago. I was determined, and stuck to my points like a champ. Every week I'd call a buddy and crow over the 3-4 lbs I'd lost. Not only did I lose my pregnancy weight, but I lost an extra 20 lbs I'd been carrying around for years.
I faithfully maintained my weight loss until I got pregnant with Srulik. That was my license to eat. Oh man - did I ever. I gained about 60 lbs (as I have in all my pregnancies). Pregnancy is my excuse to fall off the wagon. Anyway, Srulik was born and it was back to Weight Watchers. Again I lost it all, and maintained.
Then I got pregnant with Zalman! Again I ate like a fiend. Pass the brownies, baby. And ramen noodles, I had big cravings for those. Hot and sour soup - 3 times a week for awhile there. Towards the end of the pregnancy, I couldn't bare to tell my midwife how much I was gaining. Hell, I was afraid to know myself! She'd send me into the bathroom to weigh myself, and I'd just slide the measuring bars up and down the scale so she'd hear the clacking. Then I'd report whatever sounded good: "I gained half a pound." I have no doubt I gained between 65-70 lbs with that kid, but I'll never truly know.
And I lost it all. Almost.
I keep hearing that weight loss is harder as you get older. This time, I can't seem to drop the last 5 pounds to reach my personal goal. Not only can I not drop them, I keep adding to them. I don't know what my problem is. Friday afternoon I kept eating and eating. Then the shabbos queen arrived, and I kept eating and eating.
I had a miscarriage about 3 weeks ago, and part of me wants to blame that. "Oh, you're all hormonal, this is all related to the miscarriage." But that's a crock, and I know it. I've been overeating a lot lately. I eat unhealthy foods, and I get depressed. And then I'm depressed, so I'll eat. It's a vicious cycle, the snake swallowing her tail. I know eating poorly makes me feel poorly, physically and emotionally. I totally feel the difference when I eat raw fruits and vegetables.
This morning I had a thought: Eating well is an act of self-love and self-care. I have to have ahavas yisroel for myself, and eat in a self-respecting way. It's not new-agey to say that the body is the temple of the soul, it's really true.
So tonight I only ate one, yes, ONE slice of pizza. I don't remember the last time I had just one (yes, ONE) slice of pizza. I did not eat anybody's crusts. I did not eat the cheese left in the box. I exercised self-control.
My Weight Watchers leader puts a new twist on an old cliche. "Nothing tastes as good as being in control feels." And you know what?