Monday, October 29, 2007
I haven't been writing so much because I'm so overwhelmed with my life. Sometimes, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. I'm running and running, yet not accomplishing anything.
Mornings are insane. Everybody needs everything all at the same time. Yaakov is daavening, so it's my show. Mommy, I want a vitamin. Mommy, help me get dressed. Mommy, help me make my hair. Mommy, put my tzitsis on for me. Mommy, breakfast! When Yaakov takes them to school, it's like this huge burden is lifted. The house becomes quiet.
And the house - gevalt! It's basically wrecked. It's a mess. It's dirty. And I have no cleaning help. And I try and try every day, but I can't seem to get it all together. It's like that old joke: Cleaning the house while the children are young is like shoveling the walkway while it's still snowing. And by me, it's hailing.
And then the afternoons - homework and dinner and bath time. Yaakov isn't home and I'm all by myself again. It's like the mornings. Everybody needing everything all at the same time, and everybody's needs are different. Srulik is tired so he's bouncing off the walls and going crazy, which just makes it all the harder. Zalman starts freaking out - how come I've had mommy to myself all day and now I have to share her? He cries. He gets clingy and hangs on to my skirts. I've tripped over him many times.
Nighttime comes, and I feel like I've been steamrolled. I'm so tired all I want to do is collapse.
And then there's hebrew school, which is just the pits. It drains me terribly. Yesterday morning Rivky had diarrhea and she was puking, and I had to leave Yaakov with all the insanity. And there's a part of me that's glad! And another part that's so sad, that feels so guilty. And teaching just takes my kishkes out. The kids are so loud and wild, and I feel like I'm not really teaching them anything sometimes. And that makes me feel guilty, too. Their parents are sending their kids to me, and I'm just not good enough.
And when I come home Sunday afternoons I feel drained. I feel like I can't deal with hebrew school for another whole week. I can't even think about it! Which of course I cannot do, because I have to lesson-plan, etc.
So that's it. I'm trying to be grateful. I'm trying to change my attitude. But the bottom line is, I'm totally overwhelmed. I don't know how to change it.
Where is the joy in this life?