Sunday, February 25, 2007
"When I am independent of the good or bad opinion of others, I stand strong in my own Divine power."
That's what Deepak said.
I worry a lot about what other people think of me. It's something I'm working on. I also assume what other people are thinking of me - and I respond to them based on my assumption. This is not emotionally healthy.
For example: Today we had this fancy schmancy ground breaking event at my shul. There was a separate children's program, and Rebbetzin Plony asked me to be involved with it. She asked me about 6 weeks ago. I don't remember her exact wording, but my impression was that she wanted me to run it. I called last week to ask what she expected of me.
"Oh, don't worry about it, it's all taken care of," she said. Um, okay. When I got to the event, I saw other women running the program. Here's where I went with it: She knows I'm an anxiety maven and doesn't think I'll do a good job with this. She doesn't think I'm capable. Why did she ask me and then get other ladies to do it?
Let's backtrack a little. Once when I was running a children's program on shabbos, all the kids ran out. They do this every shabbos, it wasn't because of me. Nonetheless, I got very overwhelmed and frightened for their safety. I'm responsible for them! What if something happens to them - they're supposed to be in my care! I was early in a pregnancy - all hormonal - and I started to cry.
Rebbetzin Plony saw me crying and came to comfort me. She thinks I'm a total nutjob. I want her to think I'm a fine member of this community, responsible and capable. Now she thinks I'm mentally unstable. Do I know what she was thinking? No!
Or another time I ran a program in shul and I was supposed to have teenagers to help me. Only one showed up, and she was unhelpful. So I basically ran the program, for about 40 kids, all by myself. Madness and mayhem! I was so overwhelmed, and it showed (I also just had a miscarriage). I didn't cry that time, but I was really frazzled and Rebbetzin Plony saw. In fact, when I wanted to run another children's program for another chassidishe yom tov, she said, "Remember when you got so overwhelmed at the gimmel tammuz program...?"
So she's got my number. She knows I get anxious. But does it really matter? Isn't it okay if I get anxious? Why do I have to appear perfect? Can't I be a helpful member of the community even if I'm flawed? Having to appear perfect all the time is another problem I have.
Three months into my pregnancy with Zalman, I gave up my post as coordinator for the children's programs. It was too much for me. Someone else started running it. This woman is a real go-getter, truly an asset to the community. I have convinced myself that Rebbetzin Plony likes and admires this woman (and her contributions) more than me. And what if she does, right? BIG DEAL! If I was independent of the good or bad opinion of the rebbetzin, I could stand strong in my own Divine power. Right, Deepak?
But back to the children's program today. I didn't run it, but I helped. I passed out pizza. I made sure all the holy Jewish children got fed. I even made sure no one was still hungry, passing out seconds. I assume Rebbetzin Plony bumped me off because she thinks I'm incapable. But maybe she got so busy that she simply asked other people to do it. I have no idea what her reasons are, right? Maybe it's not all about me.
Right?
...RIGHT?
Love, Maven @ 
8 Comments:
At 9:09 PM,
Stephanie said…
Maven..i told you this before..you need to relax..In the scheme of things..who cares what other people think. Its what you think they think that is making you crazy. Why? really...why?..You know you are a good person..I am sure everyone arounds you knows that..you even try harder. Life is too short to worry about worry.
At 6:15 AM,
Kristen In London said…
I totally understand! Not that I want to encourage you to worry, but I do find myself in the same situations, assuming that everyone can hear what I'm thinking. And I identify with your worrying over children: today I have a friend's two children and my own to take ice skating, and I can already feel my anxiety rising!
I found your blog because google analytics told me you looked at mine, so I am sorry to have found your excellent writing through Big Brother! But carry on, you're a great writer.
At 8:49 AM,
Wendy said…
Why doesn't really matter, I don't think. But it sure seems that you were much happier and added such a positive contribution in your role this time. Maybe the Rebitzen knew that would be great for you!
At 4:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
Once a day or so, Danny has to tell me that sometimes people do things that are based completely on their own opinions, beliefs, or experiences, and solely without any thought given to me! You just be a good person (like you are) and Hashem will continue to bless you (like Hashem does, bli neder). Ok?
At 9:10 PM,
Maven said…
stephanie: remember the name of the blog - ANXIETY MAVEN. that's my issue and i'm working on it!
kristen in london: i looked at your blog and i don't recall ever visiting it before, so it's a mystery to me how google led you here. but thank you for reading, and thank you for your positive feedback. and since you're a brit, what about william and kate? are they getting married, or what?
wendy: good thinking. i saw a big "T" on the back of a car today and thought of your wild, wacky, wonderful (weird?) "W."
rochel leah: sounds good!
At 7:12 AM,
Stephanie said…
sorry maven. You are right!!!! I have a good book for you to read..you won't be able to put it down...Its called THE SECRET. Wow..its great..sorry for being so non chalent and I do know you can't help how you feel ..because its a natural reaction. Hugs to u and believe me..you are no different than most people. Again..sorry
At 12:53 PM,
Maven said…
stephanie: no need to apologize! when i was typing my first response to you, i thought, "is she going to think my words "sound" annoyed?" i totally wasn't! hugs!
At 7:03 AM,
Stephanie said…
Maven..didn't think you sounded annoyed but your point was well taken..btw..i am pmsing..so don't mind me..lol
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